tender
Alissa Martinez
my momma warned me about this
told me to quit the nicotine boys
never let them rot my godly lungs
scent of their sin sticking to my skin
stealing precious years of mine
to paint precipitous futures of their own
she told me to learn from her mistakes
and every time i see you past midnight
eyes red, lips bloody, shirt stained
i wanna call you my greatest mistake
love the bitterest pill to swallow
as your head hangs against the toilet
all the bottles you emptied returning
mary j, favorite mistress, a thick perfume
fifth night in a row i can barely say i know you
then your ever-cold hands reach for me
beg forgiveness, plead for some safety
i can hear the child trapped in your throat
you could never drown or smoke him out
and i wish you would let me touch him
give him whatever you were missing
complete the picture of my troubled boy
you know this is the beginning and end for me
promise you’ll do better next time for me
i sing to you until you fall asleep
don’t know if you’ve ever noticed your hum
is my grammy’s lullaby, passed down generations
every time i see you i leave these pieces of me
fold you into the fragile image of my being
ask if i can keep you here through will alone
you never have to know my sacred truths
just look at me like you did when you were dying
when i was guardian, and lover, and hope
keep me as a mirror image of yourself
all the things i pretend to be and be well
if you would smile, that would be enough
you are nothing to the non-believers
yet i pray at your altars, run rosaries in sleep
my momma told me not to build gods
but you have always been this way
and gods can be cruel and mistaken and lost
you aren’t the first one i’ve watched die
but you’re the first i’ve grieved in such a long time
i am more me when i am with you
laurel woven through my hair, every tear a baptism
to love you is to be holy and hated
to love you is to be delighted and damned
we spend the night almost too close
burned by your skin yet still silent
learn to love the quiet as well as your voice
so often we lose the words we need to say
let bon iver play us out to obscure the sobs
pretend you can’t feel my throat shut
ask me if i have ever fallen in love
stare at the ceiling, imagine a kaleidoscope of stars
answer: i’ve been falling so long i forgot the ground
it’s much softer than i remembered
told me to quit the nicotine boys
never let them rot my godly lungs
scent of their sin sticking to my skin
stealing precious years of mine
to paint precipitous futures of their own
she told me to learn from her mistakes
and every time i see you past midnight
eyes red, lips bloody, shirt stained
i wanna call you my greatest mistake
love the bitterest pill to swallow
as your head hangs against the toilet
all the bottles you emptied returning
mary j, favorite mistress, a thick perfume
fifth night in a row i can barely say i know you
then your ever-cold hands reach for me
beg forgiveness, plead for some safety
i can hear the child trapped in your throat
you could never drown or smoke him out
and i wish you would let me touch him
give him whatever you were missing
complete the picture of my troubled boy
you know this is the beginning and end for me
promise you’ll do better next time for me
i sing to you until you fall asleep
don’t know if you’ve ever noticed your hum
is my grammy’s lullaby, passed down generations
every time i see you i leave these pieces of me
fold you into the fragile image of my being
ask if i can keep you here through will alone
you never have to know my sacred truths
just look at me like you did when you were dying
when i was guardian, and lover, and hope
keep me as a mirror image of yourself
all the things i pretend to be and be well
if you would smile, that would be enough
you are nothing to the non-believers
yet i pray at your altars, run rosaries in sleep
my momma told me not to build gods
but you have always been this way
and gods can be cruel and mistaken and lost
you aren’t the first one i’ve watched die
but you’re the first i’ve grieved in such a long time
i am more me when i am with you
laurel woven through my hair, every tear a baptism
to love you is to be holy and hated
to love you is to be delighted and damned
we spend the night almost too close
burned by your skin yet still silent
learn to love the quiet as well as your voice
so often we lose the words we need to say
let bon iver play us out to obscure the sobs
pretend you can’t feel my throat shut
ask me if i have ever fallen in love
stare at the ceiling, imagine a kaleidoscope of stars
answer: i’ve been falling so long i forgot the ground
it’s much softer than i remembered
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Alissa Martinez is a sporadic author, often jumping from genre to genre depending on their fancy. They hope their writing can offer a meaningful glimpse into their truths and reality during their time at the Claremont Colleges. (Pomona College '21)
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